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Don't worry. This is not that book.
Travis Stork, the handsome and charismatic star of The Bachelor: Paris, has chalked up more dating experience than most men could claim in a lifetime. As an ER doctor, he's also an expert on the psychological and physiological factors involved in mental and emotional well-being. In Don't Be That Girl, he combines his personal experience and professional expertise to help you demystify the self-defeating behaviors that characterize that girl -- behaviors that unfortunately, even if unintentionally, prevent many women from getting the most from their lives and relationships.
Don't Be That Girl cuts to the heart of what makes a woman cross into that girl territory and the red flags that tip guys off to the possibility that, yikes, they may be dating that girl. So who is that girl, exactly? She defies a simple definition. She may be the chameleon who turns into a completely different person the second a guy walks into the room. She could be the girl with the ironclad agenda that she's held to dearly since her first encounter with Modern Bride (and she'll do anything to make sure her plan materializes). Or she's the consummate "yes" girl who is always going along with his every wish. If she's not saying yes, she might very well be a drama queen who is always saying no because she can't seem to live without conflict. Then again, she might not be dramatic at all, just miserable inside, wearing her anger and bitterness as a badge of honor. In short, she's the girl who's trying fruitlessly to be someone she's not -- who's falling victim to the common pitfalls and patterns that lead to that girl behavior -- rather than believing in herself, following her passions, and maintaining healthy priorities.
But Don't Be That Girl isn't all cautionary tales and bad news. Often, the same traits that make a woman that girl are the traits that, at their core, are her biggest strengths -- if she only knew how to refocus them. By drawing attention to and celebrating these positive attributes, Dr. Stork reveals how to cultivate and take advantage of them in ways that will lead you to the confidence and happiness that you deserve. Whether you are in a relationship, hopelessly searching, or somewhere in between, this book will arm you with practical insights so you will never again have to ask yourself, Is it me or is it him?
- Sales Rank: #737587 in Books
- Published on: 2008-10-07
- Released on: 2008-10-07
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.25" h x .50" w x 5.31" l, .40 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 192 pages
About the Author
Dr. Travis Stork graduated magna cum laude from Duke University and
earned his medical degree from the University of Virginia. He currently lives in
Colorado, where he works as an ER doctor. Dr. Stork will be the host of the
highly anticipated Dr. Phil spinoff, "The Doctors," premiering this fall.
Leah Furman has written and cowritten twenty-five books, including Single Jewish Female, The Everything Dating Book, and Generation Inc. She lives in New York City.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Agenda Girl
You probably know at least one Agenda Girl. I certainly have met enough to consider myself something of an expert on the kind of woman who asks me how many children I'd like and if I could ever see myself settling down (and when) during our second date -- or sooner. I once had a woman ask me during the first thirty minutes of our first date if I was ready for marriage and children because she felt like her clock was ticking and she didn't want to waste her time with men who weren't "serious" about dating. Take it from a guy, that is not how you want to start off your first date.
The Agenda Girl is the one who's been planning her wedding since she was old enough to count to ten bridesmaids. Her hobbies include reading Modern Bride and designing her dream engagement ring on adiamondisforever.com. (Don't ask me how I know this!) She secretly seethes with envy every time another friend gets engaged, but is first in line for the bouquet toss at the wedding. She's known exactly how many children she wants as well as at what age she wants to have them since she was fifteen -- unfortunately, she hasn't revised those ideas since. She has a list of requirements for her potential husband that is at least a mile long, although, in case of emergency (e.g. she's twenty-nine and still not married), she will gladly settle for someone who allows her to check her top five boxes:
1 - decent looks
2 - advanced degree in a prestigious profession
3 - steady job in a lucrative field (what's the use of a law degree if you're just going to waste it at a nonprofit?)
4 - good family
5 - ready to settle down
There you have it, everything an Agenda Girl needs for a real, honest-to-goodness fairy-tale romance. And guess what? I can tell all this about her within an hour of our first date. How? Because that is usually how long it takes her to decide whether or not she wants to start grooming me for the role of Mr. Agenda Girl.
Of course, not every Agenda Girl is quite that obvious. Plenty of women enter into relationships with open minds only to find themselves getting hung up on the idea of marriage before the time is ripe -- meaning, before their boyfriend is ready. In these cases, the relationship often self-destructs when the agenda comes to light in the form of premature demands and a relationship-ending ultimatum.
Could You Be an Agenda Girl?
Even if you're nowhere near as extreme as the girl I just described, Agenda Girls come in all shapes and sizes. Answer these true/false questions to find out if the bridal shoe fits...and be honest!
1. T / F I am almost always the one who introduces the subject of marriage and children.
2. T / F I often find myself thinking about what we'll do on future dates during our first few outings.
3. T / F I have actually practiced signing my name using my boyfriend's last name.
4. T / F I feel sorry for the losers, er, I mean women, who are over thirty and still not married.
5. T / F My biological clock sounds more like a ticking time bomb. If I don't have children within the next few years, I'll explode.
6. T / F My first dates are usually a lot like job interviews.
7. T / F If I don't get married by a certain age, I'll feel like an old maid.
8. T / F It is important for me to figure out fairly quickly whether or not I would marry a guy.
9. T / F If my boyfriend didn't propose to me within eighteen months, I would leave and find someone who would.
10. T / F The Rules is my dating bible.
Scoring:
0-2 True: While you want to get married eventually, you are not turning guys off with an obvious marriage agenda.
3-5 True: So maybe you don't have your imaginary babies' names all picked out, but what you do have is a minor case of Agenda Girlitis. Take my word, even a minor case can be a major relationship killer, so read on.
6+ True: You are a full-blown Agenda Girl. Please keep reading to learn how you can stop driving men away.
Two Reasons Why Guys Don't Like Agenda Girls
A premature wedding agenda is such a turnoff that even the worst offenders know better than to reveal their true intentions. Unfortunately, trying to hide the truth from a date is nearly impossible if you don't believe your own story. So next time you're sitting there, spinning some yarn about how you're in no rush to get married -- all the while mentally calculating how long it will take to get this guy to fall for you so you can spring the truth on him -- understand this: Any guy with eyes can see right through your hidden agenda.
I know what you're thinking. And? So what? What is so wrong with wanting to get married?
Absolutely nothing. Again, the problem with Agenda Girl isn't that she wants to get married, it's that she wants to get married to anyone who fits her requirements and will pop the question by the date circled in her meticulously organized day planner. Which leads me to the first reason men don't like the Agenda Girl:
Reason #1: We want to feel special too.
Believe it or not, men have feelings. We want to feel special and appreciated for our unique qualities. We want to feel like we have forged an uncommon connection with the person we're dating. Like we've found something precious and rare -- someone who gets us and loves us for who we are. Unfortunately, it's painfully clear that Agenda Girl doesn't much care how we feel, what we want, or who we are. All she cares about is how we'll fit in with her plan, her dreams, and her life.
Here's how the typical guy will respond to an obvious Agenda Girl. First, he'll feel flattered that you're so obviously into him that you want to marry him. Wow, he'll think, I must be a real catch.
One minute later, that feeling will pass and he'll start thinking: What's wrong with this woman? Why is she so in love with me when she doesn't even know me? What does she want from me? Ah! She's not in love with me at all. It has nothing to do with me. She just wants to get married. Oh boy...not again!
"Check please!"
Despite what some Agenda Girls may think, this typical reaction does not mean that the guy is immature or unable to commit. He just doesn't want to commit to you.
Put yourself into our shoes for a minute. After all, women don't have a monopoly on agendas. Guys can be just as guilty. Except in the guy's case, the agenda may be sex, not marriage.
Take a moment to think back to a time when a date's behavior made it quite obvious that all he really cared about was getting some action. Any number of things may have tipped you off. It could have been the way his eyes glazed over when he stared deep into your cleavage. Maybe it was his won't-take-no-for-an-answer insistence that you order that third frozen margarita. Or perhaps you had reason to pause after the fifth time he told you how you're the smartest, sexiest, most charming and beautiful woman he'd ever met. We all love compliments, but if you were able to see this behavior for what it really was -- a full-court press to get you into bed -- chances are the resulting ego boost didn't last very long.
When a guy makes his intentions so obvious, it's only natural that you stop to think, Hmm, I wonder if he says this to all the girls?
Guess what? Guys feel the same way when a woman is working an agenda of her own. No matter what the agenda, the man who is just trying to enjoy your company, go with the flow, and get to know you better is going to catch on. And when that happens, don't be surprised if your text messages start going unanswered.
Reason #2: We want surprises.
Surprise and mystery are at the core of romance. Guys want and need to spend some time wondering, Does she like me too? No, women aren't the only ones who sometimes turn to the Magic 8 Ball. We want to feel emotionally invested, and since every investment involves some risk of losing, we cannot feel invested when you are a sure thing and we are 100 percent certain of your intentions. It just doesn't work that way.
The problem with the Agenda Girl is that she cannot tolerate the level of uncertainty that's necessary for a real relationship to blossom. Afraid of the risks that come with true romance, she prefers to look at a relationship like a job. Except in this case, she's reaching for the diamond ring, not the brass one.
To attain her goal, Agenda Girl sets up signposts to guide her along the road to the altar. Any guy who is dating one of these girls suddenly feels like he's been hired for a new job. And he knows exactly what is expected of him:
1. Friday or Saturday night dates for the first few months.
2. Pressure to stop seeing other people.
3. Drawer space.
4. Those "three little words" before the fourth month. Often followed by the horrifying..."Don't you feel the same way?" response to our silence.
5. Meeting each other's parents as soon as possible.
6. A ring within eighteen months or less. Or an ultimatum.
7. Either marry her and be miserable, or break if off and make her miserable.
Not only does the typical Agenda Girl relationship usually lead to either a breakup or an unhappily ever after, but, as you can see, the journey to the altar isn't much fun for the guy involved. Like I said, zero surprises. We know exactly what Agenda Girl will do every step of the way. If she gets what she wants, she'll be flush with success and giddily lavish us with affection. If she doesn't, we'll never hear the end of it. She'll nag, she'll turn on the waterworks, she'll threaten to leave....She'll make our lives a living hell. Call me crazy, call me immature, call me commitment phobic, just don't call me Ms. Agenda's boyfriend. No thanks!
The Dead Giveaways
Maybe I shouldn't be telling you this, but there are two ways in which Agenda Girls tip us off every time. I am not revealing this information so you can better hide your agenda. Hopefully, by the time you're through with this chapter, and the book, you'll see why you're much better off appr...
Most helpful customer reviews
5 of 6 people found the following review helpful.
Motivational
By Denise A. Medvid
I LOVED this book!!! I have read it over and over again and am re-reading it now! I found this book to be very inspiring and motivating to be the best I can be, respecting myself and realizing my self-worth. I related to the reference to the woman sitting at the table, out for dinner, while her boyfriend was on the cell phone the whole time. Yes...I deserve better than that!!! This is only one example of the many situations I related to in this book. I recommended this book to several girlfriends because I felt they also would benefit from the boost to self-esteem this book gives. Thank you Dr. Stork!
27 of 32 people found the following review helpful.
a useful book for me, and for others I know....
By Sara M
I've never written a review before, but feel compelled to write based on one of the earlier reviews I read of this book that I felt missed the mark. I bought it on a whim, thinking this would at least be an entertaining read. Not only was it that, but I'm actually getting much more out of it...I definitely see elements of myself in the "that girl" descriptions. Do I perfectly fit any of the descriptions? No, but after reading through this book I do see enough character and behavioral traits that, when honestly examined, probably do more harm in my relationships than good. I'm not completely done with it yet, but I've read enough to know this one hits pretty close to the mark.
I think Dr. Stork did a great job of capturing the essence of alot of what I see in girlfriends w/ failed relationships, as well as in some of my own missteps in the dating world. To paraphase what the good Doc said, using the word of a friend of mine who provided some sound relationship advice: "try to limit your personal baggage to a carry-on". She was right on target with that, as is Dr. Stork in his more eloquent way of saying the same thing.
This book isn't going to replace a therapy session, or serve as an in-depth psychological profile for those of us that have been unlucky in love. But there is plenty I can take from it - in fact, it was a good reinforcement of some New Year's resolutions I made - take more time for myself, make some improvements (physical and emotional) I've been thinking about for a while, and most of all, get more "comfortable in my own skin."
The book presents not only these characteristics we've all known for some time, but provides ideas on how to break out of those behaviors and view situations and opportunities differently. It's written in a light-hearted, easy to read manner, and the Doc reveals his own trials and tribulations in it; his self-deprecating manner makes it much more conversational than I thought it would be...all in all, very enjoyable thusfar. I plan on giving this one as a gift to some of my "that girl" friends...we can all use a bit of helpful advice now and then!
59 of 75 people found the following review helpful.
What a load of ****
By M. Hogan
This book has major flaws in logic which also dumps on women in the guise of helping them. Just what women dont need. This should really have 1 star.
What follows is a commentary a small segment of the many problems with this book. Yes, I understand that some (but of course not all) men may think like the author. In that case, this book is more insightful as a sad commentary on the viewpoint of such men. (Please note for the record that I am at peace with the universe and all that and believe that there are good people -men and women out there.) That said, I still disagree with the author's mindset. More importantly (and I wish I could underline this), I am disagreeing that women should change their viewpoints to meet those of these misguided men.
Let's start with the book's one of the very unhelpful lists of what women are not supposed to ask for: e.g. "no friday or saturday night dates for the first few months, pressure to stop seeing other people, Drawer space..." The problems with this list are manifold but let's start with that I think that is not taking into account that maybe people are sleeping together and are spending (willingly) a lot of time together. (And let's be realistic, in this day and age, people arent waiting a "few months" to sleep together.) So if people are sleeping together and spending a lot of time together, these may very well be perfectly appropriate as the stakes are much higher than meeting ocassionally. In fact, you'd be kind of an idiot NOT to require this (verbally or non-verbally). It's just self respect. It's not that women shouldnt ask for these things but if he doesnt give you Fri/Sat nights or a drawer or whatever, the message should be move on and fast. He's a loser or is using you.
The book also lists: "6. A ring within eighteen months or less. Or an ultimatum." REALLY??? How long exactly should a woman (who by the way does have physical time constraints) wait? 3 years? 5 years? Forever? When exactly is it ok to broach this topic? When is that a man could get around to realizing that this is an important goal in most women's lives? Should a woman's important goals have no factor in how long women should wait? If you ask most women (even well adjusted women!), 18 months is MORE than enough time for most people. I have seen WAYYYY too many women waste WAAAAY too much time waiting for a guy to propose.
I think, and this is probably burying the lead, that it is RIDICULOUS that women cannot mention marriage or children without guys fleeing. Women are not STUPID. It's not that women want to marry a man when women first meet men. The women dont even know them. Women simply want to know where men's heads are at. Of course, any women with any smarts knows not to ask the question directly. But I think it is perfectly appropriate to find out where a man stands relatively early on (e.g. first few dates). If the man dont want to get married EVER or for another 10 years, then a woman need to know that and as soon as possible so that a woman can say "bye!" If a man's response is "I like my life exactly the way it is now. I dont see the need for anything "serious." I think it is being tied down to be married," that's insightful too. Why is that this is a taboo subject? It's a major life milestone for most people. Maybe the questions Dr. Stork (Dr. of what again?? Isnt he an ER doctor and not a psychologist?) that should be "Why are men so afraid of marriage, commitment and children that the mere mention of it purely hypothetically sends them running?" That is really what should be explored. While I acknowledge and applaud women who have had the courage to determine they dont want children, I think it is safe to say that a majority of women do want children. Many women have strong biological forces at work pushing them to have children. Why is merely talking about wrong? Why arent men grown up enough to handle even a simple down to earth discussion of major life goals? Why cant marriage and children (not necessarily with the person they are dating) be included in that discussion???? NO. Of course, it is the women's fault for raising this very important goal.
The following is another list "dont" from the author: "7. Either marry her and be miserable, or break if off and make her miserable." Wow, just because a woman wants to know where she stands and may actually think a man is actually man enough to handle a discussion about such topics, the man is surely going to be miserable if he engages in such discussion or, God forbid, actually marries a woman who had marriage and children as goals. God forbid.
OK, some points are good. Women arent going to meet anyone by staying at home. Got it. Duh.
What a load of HOOEY. Dont buy this book ladies. There are lots of better books out there.
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